Why work with Parents and not Children?

When I explain what I do to people, almost every time, the person assumes I will be running my horse sessions for children.  I understand why.  Mostly, in our general knowledge, this work has been done with children.  Children are generally the ones seen as needing help to "fix problems" before they grow up.

So people are surprised when I say no, I work with parents, not children.  I’ve thought about this common, unconscious reaction to the idea of working with parents and not children and have pondered what it means.  The more I’ve contemplated this, the more complex I’ve realised it is.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is mostly a symptom of a bigger societal norm that goes largely unquestioned.  Children are expected to change themselves to fit adult needs and children are often held to higher expectations of behaviour and compliance, than adults.

This may be controversial, but I ask that you take a moment to consider this idea.  We see examples of it everywhere.  In the grocery store, a child may have a tantrum (a loss of self regulation in response to strong emotions) and yet, it is often seen as socially acceptable for the parent to lose their cool, get angry and start doling out punishment to the tantruming child.  Sometimes, it goes beyond socially acceptable for a parent to behave this way.  Sometimes, if a parent does not behave this way and does not get angry and punish their child for throwing a tantrum, bystanders will stare, shake their heads and quite often comment that there is no discipline these days.

In the above scenario, the adults around are expecting a child, who has less skills and ability than they do, to regulate themselves and stop the tantrum simply because the adults feel uncomfortable about the child’s tantrum.  In response, the parent is not only excused but often encouraged to lose their own self regulation, get angry and punish the child for doing exactly what the parent is demonstrating by losing their cool and punishing.  When a parent does this, they are in fact, showing a loss of self regulation in response to strong emotions which is the definition of the child’s tantrum.  So a child losing emotional control  is frowned upon in society, but a parent doing the same in response to that child’s tantrum is encouraged.  Crazy!  Right?

Surely that’s the only time?  Unfortunately, no.  The more you look with that lens, the more you see instances where society demands so much more of children than we would ever expect of adults.  Take school for instance.  I have been a teacher for many years so I can speak with some authority on this topic.  Teachers will complain and condemn students for their poor behaviour and lack of respect for teachers, for not listening and complying with basic rules.  However, you put a bunch of teachers in a professional development workshop (essentially, a lesson for teachers), it is usually those teachers who complain the loudest about student behaviour who themselves exhibit the same behaviours when they are expected to be quiet, listen and learn.  They get on their phones, carry on conversations with the people next to them, play games or do other work on their laptops, make jokes about the person presenting the workshop and generally act in the most disrespectful ways that they can get away with in a workplace. Add to this, that students are expected to do this for 6 hours a day EVERY week day while the teachers are only expected to do it for a few hours several days a year.  So these adults, who expect compliance and quiet from their students every day, will not show compliance and quiet themselves when they are expected to occasionally.  And this is seen as perfectly ok because the students are children and the teachers are adults.  Once again, the children are held to higher expectations than the adults.  

I could go on and give other examples, but I encourage you to see if you can become aware of other examples in our society where children are being expected to change for adults in a way that adults are not expected to.  So what does this have to do with whether you do horse sessions for children or adults, I hear you ask.  Good question.

Children do need help to learn how to regulate their emotions and learn skills for the future.  There are plenty of people offering that service to children.  But I ask you, how do children learn?  What is more powerful for learning, the few, stand alone lessons they get in sessions with therapists or professionals, or how they see their parents behave every, single, day?  Children copy what they see.  If the adults around them struggle to demonstrate emotional self regulation, if adults do not demonstrate helpful thoughts or supportive relationships, if adults do not demonstrate healthy boundaries, then the stand alone sessions children get to teach them otherwise are but a drop in the ocean and have limited impact.  If we teach children skills that the adults around them have not got well developed, (and let's face it, all of us, including me and others who have been learning these skills for a while can always develop them further!) then we are once again expecting children to have more skills and be able to use them even when the adults around them do not.  

So I asked myself, what will have the most impact?  The answer is clear.  Adults are in positions of power in children’s lives.  If the adults around children become more aware and make choices instead of just react, become more self regulated, better at recognising and changing their unhelpful thoughts, practiced at establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, are able to create and sustain healthy authentic relationships then the children in their lives are not only going to be learning all these skills from watching the adults around them, but their lives will also be more regulated, safer, healthier and more authentic.  I think every parent wants that for their children.  The fact that the parents’ lives also benefit dramatically from developing these skills beyond just the positive impact on their children, well, then it’s a no brainer.  

Add to all this that I know from personal experience that parenting is a tough gig!  Even tougher if you throw in neurodivergence, school can’t, illness or other extra level of challenge to the parenting mix.  If your parenting journey doesn’t match the mainstream experience, it can be even more exhausting and lonely.  There are plenty of services aimed at kids, but very few that support parents.  Especially support that is non judgemental, creates community and hubs of support with others that share and understand your unique parenting experience and gives you real skills that don’t just help you, but benefit your whole family.

That is why I choose to focus on parents, rather than children.